Emotional Messages

Emotional Pain. . .Guys                    Emotional Pain. . .Girls                                                   


Sex affects us emotionally. You can’t put a condom on over your heart. Emotional pain can hurt a whole lot. I, and most adults, can say they’ve had emotional pain that’s worse than any physical pain.

Typically, is it girls getting hurt at a younger age in relationships, or boys? Girls. Often girls are more emotionally invested in the relationship at a younger age. Maybe have higher expectations. More wanting love. I know a lot of wonderful, young men, but often the guys will say, “I just want to get some; I just want to touch her body.” And the girls are thinking true love, and it’s not the same. Girls do you usually get hurt at a younger age. Here’s a few feedback letters from some girls. “ ‘I love you!’ That’s what he told me. We spent all our time together, but it wasn’t great. Twice we thought I was pregnant. I went to bed with him for two months – so very young. Then he left, and now I feel like he never really cared. I am still so hurt. Even after four months I still cry because it’s so painful. I’ve been used, and he lied to me to get something he wanted. In two days it will be our six-month anniversary. Does he even remember? I cry and wish I were still a virgin. I wish I had never done it. I’ve lost something I will never get back again. Only after it’s too late do I know the value of virginity.”1


I’ve known a lot of people who have felt this, and it’s maybe the worst pain in life. To believe someone’s saying they love you, and you love them back, and to show that by giving them your body, exchanging these bodily fluids, and maybe creating a new life, and then find out it was a cruel joke. They just wanted to have sex and really didn’t care about you, and now they’re talking about you. It hurts bad. This girl said she was hurting four months later – still crying over it. That’s pretty bad pain.

As a human being – guys and girls – we don’t have much more valuable gift to offer another human being than your self. Your heart, your soul, all that wrapped up in your bod. Pretty good stuff. Girls, you will be the best present that walks into the life of your real deal love. Believe me on that. The best present is you walking into that person’s life. Since there’s somebody who’s going to love you the most for the rest of your life, why not keep the best present wrapped up for the one who will love you the most? Our culture is going to tell you, first of all, you should date when you’re really young or you’re a loser. That’s a lie. And then they say when you date you should share bodily fluids and have sex because that’s what is normal. It’s insane. It’s crazy. How many people might someone date before they meet their real deal love? How many pregnancies and diseases might they risk? How many times might they have their heart broken before they meet their real deal love? And we’re saying that’s normal.

And in case you’re thinking, “Oh, I know him. You don’t understand.” No. I know him; you don’t understand. I talk to seniors all the time. When there’s seniors in the class, I say, “Guys, raise your hand if you’ve answered the question, who am I and where am I going with my life?” And usually one, maybe zero, guys in the class raise their hand and say they’ve figured those things out. Unless a guy really knows who he is and where he’s going, you don’t know him. You can’t. He doesn’t know himself.

We have a culture saying, “Girls, take this wonderful gift of your body, take all kinds of risks, share bodily fluids with this person you’ve been dating for a couple weeks or months because they’ve text messaged you, said you’re pretty, taken you for a few trips to McDonald’s, and now you’re suppose to share the best gift of your whole life with them.” Keep the present wrapped up. Hold the bar high for your sexuality. High standards. If you’ve already been sexual, wrap it back up. A zillion guys out there that just want you for sex will find out her standards are too high; I’m moving on; I’ll go somewhere else. A guy who’s going to want you for love is going to want you more. If a guy really loves a girl, and she says she’s not ready for sex, he is not leaving her. I have confirmed that. I’ve spoken in all guys schools, and they say, “No way. If he loves her, he’s not leaving her.” In fact, he’ll want you more because the present wrapped up is still mysterious. There’s power in that mystery. There’s something beautiful about that present being still wrapped up. Not only that, you’re high standards are something very attractive to a guy who is looking for real love. When a guy’s looking for real love, he wants somebody he can admire, and respect, and trust. A girl with high standards is what he’s after. Not somebody who’s just giving it up all over the place. A buddy of mine said that when he was in college he was kind of being a jerk at first. And then he met Gail, and she said, “Hey, I love being with you, but sex isn’t happening till my wedding night.” He said he was shocked at first about this college girl saying no, and then he said, “I was so drawn to her, and so psyched about her, I did a turn around in my whole life, and raised up my standards to pursue love with her.” In other words, he became a better man because he wanted to win her love because she was so worth it. Girls, you are worth it, and that’s something you should consider. When a young man looks at you, he should see someone with high standards that he admires. He’ll say, “Wow, I better kick my butt in gear, and get done my homework, and do whatever I’ve got to do to become a good man to win her because she’s got high standards.”

Let’s look at the other side of that though. Take some guy. He’s a party animal. He’s out there chasing skirts and partying and all. Not really taking school that seriously. Not really taking time to answer the questions who am I and what am I going to do with my life. Even if he’s in college, he’s all about partying. Guess what? We’ve got all these guys in this culture that are 25 or 26 still living in mama’s basement. They’ve got their Maxim magazine and their six pack, and thinking they’re the man because they pay their own cell phone bill. They’ve never figured it out. Part of the reason they are there doing that is some young, lovely lady is giving them sex for being a jerk. “Here, let me reward your bad behavior. Since you’re not doing anything with your life, let me give you the best gift I have to offer in the whole world – me.” That’s dumb. Girls if you hold the bar high, he will want to be a better man to win you. That’s pretty cool. You’re worth that. Seriously. Keep that present wrapped up.

Guys as well. The best present you have to offer your future love is you. Don’t underestimate yourself. I personally could not stand myself when I was your age in so many ways I can’t even tell you. I was scrawny, not the best athlete, not the best student, could tell a joke and no one would laugh . . . I couldn’t stand me. And you might think, well, who’s going to really fall in love with me? Yes, someone will. How can you love your future love? We’re asking the girls, “Hey, keep the present wrapped up. By doing that, you’re loving your future love now. You’re holding out for the deep ocean instead of settling for the kiddie pool.” It’s going to be hard for those girls because there’s going to be a lot of guys hitting on them, and it would be really easy to say yes. Get that immediate, feel good, gratification. Guys, you need to stay focused too for their benefit. It would be real easy for you to get off into the drinking and partying. The pressure’s on the guys especially. If you’re not drinking and getting drunk and partying, what’s wrong with you? The pressure’s going to be on you. To be a strong guy, you want to keep the present wrapped up for your future love. If you want to do that, you’ve got to be strong and be focused on who am I, and where am I going. Dive into that. Enjoy it. Enjoy your friendships. Enjoy your sport, your hobbies, art, music, whatever you’re into. Don’t get off into that other stuff. You’ll be another one of those guys that’s 26 years old living in mom’s basement. Not good.

A lot of this is about real love. Choosing real love. C.S. Lewis says we’re like a kid who insists on making mud pies in a dirty ally but he rejects an offer to go to the beach to make sand castles because he doesn’t know what’s meant by a beach vacation. The problem is that we settle for so little. All kinds of beautiful young people – gifted, talented, wonderful folks – settling for the kiddie pool. Hook-ups. Diseases. Pregnancies they don’t want. All these miseries and pain. Settling for that when they could hold out for the ocean. Choose the best stuff. Choose real love.

Guys get hurt too. Some of the high school guys are saying to me, “Dude, you act like it’s always the guys pushing the girls into sex. Not true.” Not many girls start out just wanting sex. (Many guys start out just wanting sex.) I’ve never met a little girl growing up saying, “I just can’t wait to have meaningless sexual friction with guys that don’t really care and want to use my body.” No! Girls start out wanting love. But they put their heart out there for love and get hurt and used. It hurts so badly. But then along comes another guy who says, “I love you so much.” She puts her heart out there again and the same thing happens with him. That was a lie too. Pretty soon she says, “Every time I try to get love I get hurt and used so love stinks. I’m going to shut off my heart because it keeps getting hurt. I’m going to put a brick wall in front of it. Lower the bar of my expectations. If I pretend I don’t want love, it won’t hurt so much when I don’t get it. I’ll settle for some hook-up, some attention, some party, some fun.” She’s lowered the bar. But along comes a good guy. He cares; he sees the treasure she still is even though she doesn’t think she is anymore. He says, “You are so awesome. I love you.” But the last time she heard I love you, he used her, and the time before that somebody used her. Now her response is, “Yeah, right. Love. Whatever.” This guy does love her, and she’s got this brick wall of emotional pain in her life. If he hangs in there long enough he might be able to break through the brick wall and really prove that he loves her. Hopefully he won’t give up before it’s too late. Guys get hurt too. Typically guys aren’t getting hurt for a couple years down the road when he’s ready for real love.

When a guy’s ready for real love, it’s like, “Whoa, you are the best thing that ever came into my life, and you understand my dumb sense of humor, and you think I’m cool, and you’re so pretty. Alright, clear out, you jerks, it’s just me and her in our little secret garden. Just the two of us. Get away the rest of the world. It’s just us.” That’s how you feel. You’re so psyched. The pain enters the secret garden when you find out there’s been some other idiot in the secret garden before you. As a guy, you’re thinking, “You let that idiot in? You were doing it with him? Good grief! You’re killing me! And you let him in too? Not him! How much of your memory is back there with that jerk? What percentage of your heart is still back there? You’re killing me! This sex thing. Where am I on your sex chart? Am I your third favorite partner? Oh, I’m psyched about that. Not really.” That hurts. A guy who just sees you as a sexual partner doesn’t give a rip about how many partners you’ve had before him except that he might get a disease. That could concern him. If he loves you, it will hurt deeply if you were sexually with other guys. It’s just the way men are wired. Can true love forgive and forget? Yeah, but don’t think it’s a minor thing. It’s a big deal when a guy lets go of that stuff because it hits him at the very core of his being. It answers that question, “Do I have what it takes?” In this whole world of competitive men, if there’s one thing you want to know, you want to know that you’ve got what it takes when you’re with your princess in your secret garden. You don’t want to be wondering how you are competing with all the other idiots that have been here. Girls are getting hurt. Guys are getting hurt. All this pain is unnecessary.

If you think of your life as a time-line, and right now you’re a teen. All this time you’ve made it not being sexually active. And let’s say you’re going to get married at 23. Then you’ve got all this time to enjoy that sex with the person who’s going to love you the most. So you’ve got this little time right now to hang in there and wait.

If you want to be abstinent, here are a couple of thoughts: Don’t drink. It makes you stupid. Most people lose their virginity when they’re drunk. People make one of the most important decisions in life when they’re not thinking clearly. Not good. Secondly, hang out with people that are doing the good stuff. If you hang out with people that are partying and having sex, you’re going to do it; it’s just a matter of time. Choose your friends wisely. It’s for your good. You know, a few years out of high school, you won’t hardly see any of those people again. What’s really going to matter in life is the person you go to bed with and wake up with in the morning, children around you, extended family, and the few friends and neighbors that are close to you. That’s it. All that peer pressure doesn’t mean a thing now. Choose your friends, and dive into that. Dive into your sports, art, music, dance, paintball, schoolwork – whatever it is you do. Focus on the future, and enjoy that.

1. Speck, Greg. Sex: It’s Worth Waiting For. Chicago: Moody Press, 1989. Used with permission.